Gods for love! Gods for war! Gods for fertility! Gods for the weather! Gods, gods, gods!
Our ancient civilizations had no shortage of deities to call upon when life got tough. No matter the ailment, they knew who to call for that extra metaphysical push to get them through the day.
However, not all gods were created equal. There are many embarrassing spirits and demons who quite didn’t land on the front pages of the history books. Here are ten of the most peculiar.
10. Homosexual Prostitution God: Xōchipilli
Aztec mythology
Known as the “flower prince”, Xōchipilli is the Aztec god of art, games, dance, and song. But his role has also been interpreted as the patron of hallucinogenic plants and, of course, homosexual sex work. Quite a far cry from the sinful Christian narrative we hear so much about.
9. Toilet God: Shed Bet ha-Kise
Babylon mythology
According to the central Rabbinic text of The Talmud, the Shed Bet ha-Kise (demon of the privy) dwells in our toilets. He watches us do our business and is very concerned with hygiene. Hence, one must walk half a Biblical mile from the bathroom before engaging in sexual intercourse. Any failure to do so, and the Shed Bet ha-Kise will curse your child with epilepsy.
8. Suicide God: Ixtab
Mayan mythology
The “Rope Woman” was the Yucatec Mayan goddess of suicide. She always did her best to assist self-murdered souls into paradise, no matter how tortured they were. What an admirable occupation! However, there is a debate among scholars about the authenticity of this backstory. Many accuse the Yucatecan media of misappropriating a hunting deity to fit their agenda. Suicide is a disturbing problem in the Yucatán state, and by fabricating a death cult, the blame could solely land on the indigenous people. That doesn’t sound very fair.
7. Child-Eating God: Cronus
Greek mythology
The mighty Cronus was crowned the leader of the Titans after he chopped off his dad’s genitals, tossing them into the sea. Later, Cronus learned that a similar prophecy loomed over his reign. It foretold that his children would ultimately overthrow his command, so he took the most logical next step. He devoured his first five babies.
His sixth child, Zeus, was saved by his mother, Rhea, when she secretly fed Cronus a stone instead. Zeus grew strong and eventually defeated his old man to become the most famous god of the Ancient Greek pantheon.
6. Libertine God: Baron Samedi
Haitian mythology
This iconic and highly fashionable African diaspora spirit is associated with the dark side of the metaphysical. He is called upon for Vodou curses, black magic, and death. Another one of his specialities is ensuring corpses rot correctly to avoid a zombie apocalypse. And what does he demand in return for these services? It depends on who’s asking but often includes rum, cigars, and copulation with mortal women.
5. Farting God: Matshishkapeu
Innu mythology
Meet the Farting God! It sounds hilarious but is far more menacing than it initially appears. The most well-known demonstration of Matshishkapeu’s strength came when the Caribou Master refused to provide food for the Innu civilization. Matshishkapeu fought back by inflicting severe constipation on this spirit. The ailment proved so uncomfortable that the Caribou Master eventually relented and fed the people.
According to Native American beliefs, this deity communicates with humans through our flatulence, offering us cryptic messages of profound smells.
4. Doorhinge God: Cardea
Roman mythology
What happens when you run out of divine jobs, but there are still unemployed deities? Nobody is certain, but perhaps Cardea, the ancient Roman goddess of the door hinge, might know the answer. Jokes aside, we must appreciate how seriously she took her role. In the end, many praised her as a protector of children, preventing evil beings from even passing through the door frame.
3. Self-Decapitated God: Chhinnamasta
Hindu mythology
Hinduism is brimming with diverse deities. Take Chhinnamasta, the Tantric Goddess of contradictions and self-sacrifice, for example. She is easy to spot. Just look out for the naked Devi who has severed her head clean off. You may further identify her by the two attendants at her side, drinking blood spurts from her exposed neck. She also dances upon a divine couple having sex. It sounds like a lot of work!
2. Hippopotamus-Faced God: Taweret
Ancient Egyptian mythology
The goddess of childbirth and fertility, Taweret’s name means “she who is great”. And, let’s be honest, what is greater than a deity with a hippopotamus face? Other notable features include drooping human female breasts, paws of a lion, and the tail of a crocodile. The Egyptian people also revered her ability to strike peace deals with dangerous deities. This skill makes sense because, with such a daunting presence, I’d imagine most creatures would agree with whatever she wants.
1. Oversized Vagina God: Sheela Na Gigs
British Isles mythology
While carvings have been discovered all around Europe, there is no single consensus about this deity’s origins. However, the most popular legend connects Sheela Na Gigs to a pagan myth. Here, a lustful old hag would offer any man her oversized vulva, most turning away in disgust. But when she finally found the individual desperate enough to accept her advances, she’d transform into a gorgeous maiden of royal stature, gifting him with tremendous wealth and power. There’s a warped moral of the story in here somewhere.
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