Marriage means committing to share the rest of your life, and all the intricate details of it, with one person. What could possibly go wrong? Sharing the same space with someone always comes with its share of challenges, and marriage is no exception! So, how do we prioritize our relationship and keep Christ at the center through the ups and downs of life?
I was only 17 years old when I met my husband, and 19 when we got married. Many people may have thought we were too young. While making a lifetime commitment at such a young age may not be what’s best for everyone, there’s never been a doubt in my mind that it was the right move for us. We’ve been married 12 years now, going on 13 in June. Looks like our marriage is about to hit its teenage rebellion stage! 😉 Jk – teenagers can thrive and so can our marriage, if we continue to keep Jesus at the center of our lives.
During these 12 years, we’ve learned a lot as we’ve grown up together, completed college, brought 3 kids into the world, bought a house, and experienced other pivotal moments in life (good and bad) together.
I’m not naïve enough to think 12 years makes me any kind of expert, and I know we have a lot of life experiences left to come, and still have a lot to learn.
I believe relationships are a constant work in progress and we can always be improving! I love hearing stories and advice from other couples who have made it through thick and thin, prioritizing their relationship…so if you have anything to add to this list, please share with me in the comments 🙂
1. Communicate, communicate, communicate.
Sounds simple right? This was one of the words of advice that we were given over and over again before we got married. It seemed obvious to me at the time. We were best friends, talked every day, and (thought) we already knew everything about each other – of course, we would communicate!
However, throughout the different seasons and busyness of life, this has proven to be more complicated than it originally seemed. What does it look like to truly communicate in marriage? Sometimes it’s easier not to for various reasons:
Maybe we simply become too busy going about our day-to-day routines to make time for intentional communication.
Perhaps we don’t want to disturb the peace because the things we need to talk about aren’t easy.
Maybe we’re fearful things may be taken the wrong way.
Or, maybe we just feel like we shouldn’t have to communicate certain things because we expect our spouse to just know what we’re not saying (any other wives out there expect your husbands to be able to read your minds, or is it just me?)
I’m still learning to be more open and vulnerable in my communication. Saying what’s on my mind isn’t always easy, but I need to before I let it fester and build up resentment. I’m also trying to be intentional in my communication, being open and honest while being careful not to say hurtful things in the heat of the moment that I don’t actually mean.
That last part is important. I think some couples tend to sway so much to the side of open and honest communication, that they don’t pause to consider their word choices, so when things get intense, they say things in the heat of the moment that can cause lasting damage and pain in the relationship. Words can’t ever be taken back once they leave your lips, so it’s important not to be reckless with them. Learning to communicate vulnerably but also respectfully, even when things are difficult to discuss is key.
2. See the Best in Your Spouse
Chances are if you married someone, you probably like them a little bit (or at least did at one point!) Not only for what’s on the outside but for who they truly are. While everyone has flaws, you saw something in your spouse’s character that you were attracted to. Remember this! Keep in mind what you know to be true about who your spouse is.
Even on your worst days – you know, the days where everything seems to be a miscommunication, and you’re having a hard time being on the same page about ANYTHING. Everything the other person does just gets on your nerves, and you’re not even sure why…
Keep in mind, that your spouse is probably not intentionally trying to hurt you. They’re seeing and processing things differently than you, and while that can be frustrating, a little grace and understanding from both sides go a long way.
3. Have Fun in Your Marriage!
Marriage isn’t supposed to be boring! Of course it’s not gonna be some kind of constant joyride – there are going to be hard times and you’re not always going to feel “happy” (this is a whole different disillusion in society – for another day). This doesn’t mean that you can’t keep parts of your “honeymoon phase” going though!
Hold each other’s hands walking down the street, steal kisses, make jokes, play games together, etc. Remember the excitement when you first started dating and couldn’t wait to spend time together?
What if you told your childhood self that when they grew up, they would get to have a sleepover every night with their best friend? I mean, what could be better than that? Don’t forget the reason you fell in love with your spouse in the first place! Have fun, joke around, and laugh with each other.
4. Remember You’re on the Same Team
My husband and I have always made a good team. Even before we were dating, in the early days of our friendship, we realized this. When we put our heads together to work on something, we complement each other’s strengths and are able to accomplish whatever goal is set before us.
One of the best parts about being married is not having to do life alone – having a constant teammate to walk with through whatever comes your way. Sometimes, we can get into an individualistic mindset or even a place of competitiveness with our spouse. We can easily forget that we’re a unit working together towards a common goal. The best thing we can do for our relationship and our family is to align our mindsets and walk forward hand in hand, taking on life’s ups and downs as a team.
5. Build Each Other Up
-to each other’s faces and behind each other’s backs. Words of encouragement go a long way in a relationship. Point out the good in your significant other when you see it. As with any relationship, the more we encourage others, the better they’ll feel about themselves and the more they’ll be inspired to continue being the kind of person you see in them.
It’s easy to take things for granted in marriage when the sailing is smooth, or to only point out when we see something negative. Recognizing the positive qualities, characteristics, and actions of our spouses can make a world of difference in our mindset and theirs.
Don’t just assume your husband knows how grateful you are that he works hard every day to provide for your family, or that you’re in awe of his patience, playfulness, and leadership when he interacts with the kids. Don’t let it go unmentioned that you admire your wife’s dedication as she balances the demands of the household, family, social events, career, and other day-to-day responsibilities.
Yes, tell your spouse, but talk positively about them in front of others too! It seems like lately, there’s a trend of women dumping all these negative things about their spouses – and I hate it! It’s important that we honor our marriage by speaking positively about our significant other so that our friends and family form a positive image of them.
*Disclaimer: If there are significant issues in your marriage that you can’t resolve amongst yourselves, please seek the guidance of a professional counselor. I’m not saying these issues should be swept under the rug – just that you don’t need to air all your dirty laundry or personal business with the world.
6. Pray for Your Spouse
This is something I’ve been trying to get into a better habit of doing. I think it often slips my mind unless there’s a specific issue going on in his life. The Bible tells us on multiple occasions to pray for one another, and our spouses are no exception.
I’m trying to remember to pray regularly for my husband: that God will guide Him as he goes throughout his day, that God will provide strength, energy, and mental focus, and that He will ease anything that is troubling his mind and give him overwhelming peace. I pray that God will provide wisdom where needed and grant him the strength to withstand any temptation that comes his way and that He will help him lead our family in the truth.
I think sometimes, we might assume our husbands are fine because they’re strong and don’t let on that they’re struggling, but we can’t forget that they need prayer and encouragement just like everyone else.
7. Pray with Your Spouse
I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve never been comfortable praying aloud in front of other people. Never. Anyone. It doesn’t matter how well I know them. It feels awkward and extremely vulnerable to me. Yet, there’s something so powerful about praying together in agreeance with others.
My parents continue to set an excellent example of this as they pray together every night. Growing up, my husband and I were both fortunate to be a part of families that prioritized prayer and came together often to pray, especially when facing difficulties or making big decisions in life.
We intentionally pray together with our kids in the car before school, at the dinner table, after family devotions, and before bedtime. My husband is great at reminding me when I’m stressing about something or we’re having trouble making a decision, that we should pray together about it.
8. Be Intimate, Often
Sorry, Mom and Dad! if you’re reading this – feel free to just skip to the next point! 😉
I think this point speaks for itself. As easy as it is to avoid this topic altogether in Christian circles, the Bible discusses the importance of physical intimacy in marital relationships, so I don’t think it’s something that can just be overlooked in a healthy relationship. Regular intimate connection (both physically and emotionally) helps to improve the depth of the bond and closeness you feel with one another.
9. Get to Know Each Other
– Continually! My husband and I were close friends for about a year before we started dating and would talk nearly every day (ahhh, good ole’ days of MSN messenger and texting on our slider phones!) We thought we knew each other pretty well before we even began our relationship. We did know a lot about each other, which is part of what made the transition from friendship to love feel so easy and natural.
When we were dating, we’d often go for walks or sit on a bench somewhere and take turns asking each other questions – about anything and everything. Some were light-hearted and fun, and others were deep. This helped tremendously in growing our relationship and connection with each other.
Getting to know someone is a crucial step in any substantial relationship, but we can’t stop there or begin to think we know everything. As the years pass by, we grow and our tastes and interests change. Some things, of course, remain the same, but others change as you learn new things and go through experiences in life.
I know I’m not the same person I was when we met 15 years ago, and neither is my husband. It’s important that we never stop desiring to get to know one another and that we seek to build a relationship with who they are today.
10. Remember the Little Things
A relationship isn’t based on what you do for each other on Valentine’s Day, your Anniversary, or other momentous occasions. It’s built up of the little things you do for each other every day. Sure, grand romantic gestures are nice every once in a while, but they would mean nothing without the day-to-day effort.
Buy her flowers (or a box of Oreos) just because, make his favorite meal, leave notes around the house for him to see, call just to say hi and see how her day is going, tell her she’s beautiful, do a chore that he normally takes care of, fill up her car with gas so she doesn’t have to… etc. You know your spouse better than anyone else, make a point to make simple gestures that will matter to them.
11. Make Connection Points Throughout the Day
Sometimes, life gets busy and we find ourselves running around throughout our days hardly acknowledging each other. This can make the relationship feel more like roomies than a marriage. Slow down – even just for 30 seconds, to give your spouse a sincere hug or ask how their day is going. Check-in with them at the end of the day when you’re tempted to just check out.
Connection is all about intentionality. Your marriage isn’t just going to stay strong on its own through the busy seasons. You have to pursue points of connection.
12. Prioritize and Respect One Another
I tend to care a lot about what others think of me. Usually more than I should! I also hate saying “no” to people or causing any kind of conflict or confrontation. I have a huge fear of being a burden to others, or disappointing or upsetting them. This causes a lot of social insecurity and makes setting boundaries difficult.
Sometimes my husband has strong opinions about things he doesn’t want to do, social events he doesn’t want to go to, or things he doesn’t want our kids doing. Whether I feel as strongly as he does or not on any given subject, it’s important that I respect his feelings regarding these things. This goes back to us being a team: I’ve got his back and he’s got mine. If he’s uncomfortable with a situation, I need to trust his judgment (which is usually spot on, by the way) and put his concerns above whatever anyone else might think of our decision.
And More to Learn…
This list is as much for me, as it is for you These are still things I’m working on and need to be reminded of. It’s also not even close to comprehensive! I give God all the credit for our marriage making it this far. I pray for His wisdom as we continue to seek Him daily. Lord willing, I’d love to be able to recreate this list in another 38 years (The 50 Things I’ve Learned in my Half-Century of Marriage?)
As I said, I’m no expert in marriage (or in any field!) All I have to share is my own experience and the things I’m learning along the way. I believe we can all learn from each other. If you have any wisdom to share, I want to hear from you! What are things you would add to this list, that you’ve learned in your own marriage?
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