As you’re reading this, I’m making magick far from home.
I’m with beloveds of bone and spirit. I’m introducing myself to a land I know only by reputation.
I’m making offerings. I’m anointing myself with local waters.
I’m planning and facilitating containers of magick for others. And me.
For the longest, and it is still a reflex, I thought being a public priestess was about serving outward (only).
When I realized serving only outwardly is serving half-heartedly, I stepped into my power more fully.
The Shift from Duty to Service
Maybe it’s my upbringing, maybe it’s my genetics. Maybe it’s the ongoing battle with my self-worth, or maybe it’s because I’ve been told I’m too much or not enough, in equal measure.
I want to help. I want to serve. I want to make magick that inspires, connects, and expands the heart. I want folks to know themselves better, to love themselves more easily, and to tap into their courage. I used to connect outcomes with my value in a community. If I was valuable, then people were always getting what they needed.
(I know, not very realistic. And a very tenuous structure upon which to build my service work.)
In time, I felt I HAD to keep showing up perfectly, completely, and with my whole throat. I told myself I had a duty to community.
That I had to be there, even at my own expense.
Until I didn’t. I stepped back from things because I realized I was at that tipping point. I was going to walk away from everything if I didn’t stop. (Thankfully? The pandemic helped me see this more clearly. And it offered a graceful way to step back and into the things that felt good for me, that didn’t feel like duty. Online classes and rituals, for example.)
I needed to step back enough to know what was true for ME. Because, as someone once reminded me and I have reminded others, I am also a part of community. I need to serve myself just as I would others.
Coming Back to Service to Magick
I was co-facilitating a class last fall, a class about community, and it was one of the loveliest groups and experiences of my teaching career. And it was also confronting.
My co-teacher led a trance for us to explore what was in the future for us in the Reclaiming community. I don’t always drop into trance deeply when I’m co-teaching, but this time, I did.
And the message was clear: you need to step back. You need to leave if you don’t step back.
My heart raced. My eyes opened. And I heard what I needed to hear.
I was scared too. Scared of what it meant.
Since then I have contemplated what it means. I have been planning (in my head) some community events, but I haven’t acted on them yet. Partially because of my schedule, partially because of health shenanigans, and partially because I realize I haven’t figured out what might work for me.
(Because I am still, reflexively, thinking about everyone else first.)
There’s a lot to unpack here, to be sure. I picture this conversation, so far, as opening up the suitcases, and flinging the top layer of dirty laundry out, separating it for the wash.
But most things are still packed up. I’ll get to them.
I am sharing all of this because public, co-created, collective magick is this too. It is wondering. It is wandering away and back again. It is stepping into places where your whole heart is there, and stepping back from places that don’t feel like home right now.
Without judgment. I want to show up honestly and completely when I am in service. In integrity.
And that means I can’t show up for everything.
But when I do show up, you know I am actually fully there.
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Does this resonate for you? What experiences have you had?
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